Another TOFTT review unfortunately. By this time in my life I should know that if it seems to good....etc..... than it almost always is. But when the auxillary brain takes over and starts doing the thinking(?) then that's when the trouble starts.

I'd noticed this girl (advertises as Bianca, says her real name is Darla) on Lavalife (intimate section), Adult FriendFinder, a few SP mall websites, and finally on Craigslist a few times recently. Alarm bells ringing yet? As soon as you get down to CL your spidey senses should be doing a little more than tingling.

Her ad reads like the following, with some slight variations, depending on the venue: "Looking to please... you tonight after 9pm. I am very sensual and oral and can be reached after 9pm tonight. Late OK too. Call -603-8800". A variation is that she calls herself a "sexy oral goddess".....

Anyways, you know the old story: horny, Friday night, not enough cash in the wallet to call a real pro (like Stacey Fox for instance), so I roll the dice and come up snake-eyes. Big time.

Call her up at 9:30, and leave a message. She returns the call at 10:30 and says she's going to be in the neighborhood in about an hour and quickly rattles off the menu: FBSM, HJ, BJ, FS, for an hour or so for $.5 or 30 minutes for .9. Seems reasonable enough and the options at this time of night are rapidly diminishing for someone who's got to work in the morning. By the time she gets here it's nearly midnight though and the interest is rapidly waning, but that's partly due to the empty jug of lemondrop martinis in the kitchen. Another lesson that's got to relearned regularly.

She advertises as 5'7" 130 lbs 36C-28-36, long blonde hair and 35 years of age and the stats are more or less correct. Doesn't mention the saggy boobs or tied up messy hair or the distinctly dykeish appearance (her detailed ad does mention bisexual). After we get the donation done, she changes into her lingerie in the bedroom (a pair of stayup nylons and a thrift store negligee). While she's changing into "something sexy" her gums are flapping a mile a minute about her girlfriends, her broken down car, all the problems in her little world... really putting me in the mood to do something other than avail myself of her services.

I lie down on the bed and she starts the lamest massage I've ever had in my life. A few lifeless wipes across my back to start, then a bit of body butter rubbed in very lightly, and after less than five minutes, she says "it's your turn now", and lies down for me to work on her, but keeps her legs too tight together to get in there and her boobs pressed under her so they were off limits too. After a couple of minutes of giving her some real massage action (and no, she didn't take the hint that I'd like something similar), I get bored and lie down on my back and wait for the "big finish".

Out comes the rubber, down goes the dick (should have asked in advance whether we were going BBBJ but didn't) and she proceeds to try to suck the poor guy right off my body. She takes sucking literally and tries to imitate a hoover. After a few minutes of that, she's getting really bored and says "let's finish you up with a handjob" and grabs the latex glove and some lube to finish the deed. Needless to say, by this time I just want to end this nightmare and try my best to finish and sadly, can't.

It still takes another ten minutes to get her out the door and out of my life, but even as I write this six hours later, the visions of my experience are still coming back to haunt me and the little guy is still feeling more than a bit abused.

To sum up this overly long and sad tale, PLEASE stay away from this woman. She's a complete WOT and WOM. Here's the PERB scale ratings:

Looks: 4 (decent face and not overly ugly body)
Attitude: 5 (talks about how horny and sexy she is a lot)
Service: 2 (just doesn't know how to do anything properly)